The Stench of Honolulu: A Tropical Adventure by Jack Handey

Author:Jack Handey [Handey, Jack]
Language: eng
Format: epub, azw3, mobi
Tags: Fiction, Humorous
ISBN: 1455534536
Google: rUH1VptkyT0C
Amazon: B00A6JJ6C8
Publisher: Grand Central Publishing
Published: 2013-07-15T18:30:00+00:00

A Pirate’s Laugh

THE BOAT inched closer. The captain started laughing. I guess he was thinking of a joke. Then he started gagging up blood. It must have been a really good joke.

I saw Leilani’s knife sticking in his belly. The captain fell to the deck. The pirates let out a roar of murderous rage.

In a show of defiance, I wet my pants.

Don fired his flare gun. It skittered across the deck and caught the captain’s beard on fire.

One pirate aimed a shotgun at us. An arrow came from out of nowhere and went through his neck. He staggered, then fired his shotgun into the back of the captain, who groaned. Another pirate brandished a pistol, but an arrow knocked it from his hand. A hatchet flew through the air right at us, only to be deflected by yet another arrow. The angry pirate made an obscene gesture at us. An arrow went through his middle finger. He screamed.

The captain rose up, his beard smoldering. He held a bundle of dynamite sticks. He lit the fuse with his beard, then leaned back to heave it at us. An arrow went through his head, like that comedian, what’s-his-name.

The pirates all scrambled to pick up the dynamite, but it was too late. The boat blew apart.

Pirates and boat pieces were blasted sky-high. A few pirates were able to maintain their dignity in midair, but most were flipping and flailing out of control. After they hit the water, the alligators that had been following us made short work of them. It was a horrible sight. And after a while, to be honest, it got kind of monotonous. Chomp-chomp-scream, chomp-chomp-scream. We get it.

A few pirates managed to crawl onto shore but were eaten by Komodo dragons.

The captain was carried off by a giant eagle. His dangling hand seemed to be waving.

One pirate almost made it into our boat. Don was even helping him aboard when an alligator reached up and pulled him back in. The alligator let the pirate climb out again before pulling him back in. He did that three times. I guess alligators have a sense of humor.

We heard the low, bubbly rumble of an engine. Through the smoke and still-falling shreds of pirate pants, something was moving toward us. That’s when I saw a sight that made me wish I’d never been born, or that I’d been born as a fly. It was the red boat. And it was coming back.

At the wheel was a giant of a man, holding a loaded crossbow.

“It Bizzy!” said Leilani.

Bizzy, it turns out, had been following us all this time, to make sure we were okay. As a member of the Tourist Board, he was authorized to shoot and kill anyone bothering tourists. He made Don and me sign a paper saying we’d had a good time in Hawaii.

“Pirates bad for tourism,” said Bizzy. “Give impression tourists come Hawaii, get robbed.”

Bizzy could protect us no longer. He had to get back for a meeting of the Tourist Board.

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